I wasn't expecting much of a response back I didn't think I was that attractive I mean I'm a solid 7.5ish depending on the day, so needless to say I wasn't very enthusiastic when I opened my email the next day and saw that I had about 25ish emails. This was in like a 5 hour time span that I had received emails from any and every kind of man that you could imagine. I set specific parameters for the guys that I would actually talk to... any that responded that were outside of those parameters like a 54 year old man that was hung like a horse I have to say and various other men in their 20's and 30's that sent me pictures of them grasping their junk that looked like it was desperate to be let go by their owner's chubby fingers. I have to say that looking back this doesn't surprise me at all but at the time it sure did throw my 18 year old naive self for a loop. After sorting through the seemingly endless emails, because there always seemed to be two more if I deleted one, I found three potential guys that I'd like to talk to. For the sake of keeping their identities semi-anonymous we'll call them; Oompa Loompa, Western Hick, and Old Black Guy (OBG to keep him gangsta).
I first came across Oompa Loompa, he sent me a very deceiving picture that made him seem tall and masculine and an average florida boy. We were talking for all of one night and I was complaining about the fact that my roommate would always fall asleep with her boyfriend on skype. I guess he saw this as an opportunity to ask me to stay with him... I had at this point decided that he wasn't a psycho killer, so I agreed. After I was done with my job of being campus security's bitch I had him come pick me up. This fucker rolls up to my school in an black Mercedes benz that made me want to have sex with him... until I opened the car door. I was wearing my favorite tight jeans and I had a modest shirt on, in my usually massive purse I had a pair of sensible underwear and a baggy tshirt for sleeping in... because I assumed he was attractive. I slid into his car and looked over and said "Heey" in my most sultry yet innocent voice, then my eyes adjusted to the dark. If Theodore from Alvin and the Chipmunks had fucked an Oompa Loompa and they had a baby, he would be that baby. I was mortified that I had been so evilly deceived and wanted to get out of the car as soon as possible and go curl up in my lonely dorm room with my roommate's creepy boyfriend watching her sleep, but it was too late Oompa Loompa was already speeding off to what I assumed would be Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory (as much as I would like to go these were not the circumstances I wished to go under). We rolled up to his house and walked up the stairs to his apartment, I made sure he went first so there was no booty checking out at all. As soon as he opened the door an overwhelming smell of self tanning spray and sweaty feet washed over me. After my eyes were finished watering I managed to find my way to a couch and plaster myself to one end of it, he sat on the other end of the couch even though he could've sat in the worn in easy chair that you could easily tell was his favorite spot to jack off, play video games, etc. So this guy, Oompa Loompa, starts trying to small talk with me while I'm looking everywhere in his apartment but at him, while I'm doing this I notice that he has a bunch of Coastal Carolina shit everywhere, I find his "office" area that is obviously just another jacking off station but with a computer and a bunch of miscellaneous papers, and that he had a very small living room kitchen area. He noticed I wasn't paying attention to him or anything he was saying so he shut the lights off and decided to put in a movie, I wish I remember what movie it was but sadly I don't it was one of those Brad Pitt tries to save the world kinda things. So we're watching the movie in silence and we stay on our own sides of the couch, he strikes up a conversation that eventually ends up with us both deciding that we're tired and want to go to sleep... this is where I made my crucial mistake. He asked me if I was going to sleep on the couch or in bed with him, it was one of those pleather couches that you cant really tell whether or not it'd be comfy to sleep on or not because you stick to it. I decided that I wanted to sleep in the bed. So I changed into my underwear and my baggy tshirt and I watched the fit he was having wash over his face. I got into bet and went right to sleep. I stayed maybe an inch away from the edge of the bed on my side facing outwards the whole time. In the morning Oompa Loompa tried to make a move by coming really close behind me with his morning wood and trying to cuddle. I wasn't having any of this business. I promptly got up and asked him to drive me home, which he did. I did not hug, kiss, or even look at him when I jumped out of his still slowly moving car... that's how badly I didn't want to be around him anymore. I didn't make contact with Oompa Loompa after that, until one night a few days later I received a text message from him asking me to come over. I calmly told him through text that I wasn't interested in pursuing anything with him and did not wish to continue contact with him, to which Oompa Loompa turned into Leprechaun from the hood and told me that I shouldn't slander him or be rude to him because he took pictures of me in my underwear while I was sleeping and he would post them all over craigslist with my phone number. Whether or not he really had pictures of me in my undies, I don't know... he seemed like that kind of kid that would take them, I sure as hell didn't want to find out so I stopped contact with him immediately to avoid any provocation of the pictures being posted. From this first experience I learned to screen the guys I planned on talking to a little better because who needs more than one interaction with a psycho kid a month? Not I.
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| Mr. Oompa Loompa himself |
