The Most Recent Tragedy

I'm going to have to take a break from telling you about past boys to tell you about the most recent one that ended last night. I was dating this boy, TwoStrikesHick; as his name suggests yes he has two strikes and is doing his best to avoid his third, he also just got out of prison a month ago, he lives in the middle of hick-ville dade city. I didn't tell anyone the above information because I am a notorious post prison dater, I like dating very bad boys. TwoStrikesHick and I met using a dating website (which I'm always very embarrassed to admit I use), he messaged me saying some shit like "what's up babi?" and I responded quite frankly with a who the fuck do you think you are. Then we continued talking and I gave him my number. So this kid and I would talk for the first few nights we knew each other from literally 12 to like 3/4 in the morning. I obviously really liked this kid if I was willing to sacrifice precious beauty sleep hours for him. So it took me a little while to warm up to TwoStrikesHick because he's maybe a solid 3.5/4 and like I said I'm a 7.5ish depending on the day. Now what I'm about to tell you is my account of how things happened, I'm doing my best to keep my emotions out of it so it doesn't look biased. After two nights of talking way into the wee hours of the night, I decided that it was time for me to me to meet this boy who was easily sweet talking his way into my life. I knew from the beginning that he wasn't my usual type (big football player type guys) but what I didn't know was how I would begin to fall hard for him. He lives about 45 minutes away from me, which most Floridians consider a long drive... but being from the north where there's nothing that's 15 minutes or less away I don't consider it to be a long drive. So one day after I got off of work I went to the gas station filled my tank and went all the way up to Dade City from Saint Pete. On my way up, we were texting and he decided to tell me last minute information like he lives with his grandma in a trailer and his mother and step father live in back of his grandmother in their own trailer. Now this is how stupid I am, I was thinking like maybe one of those nice trailers that you see in old folks communities where they have cute little lawn cherubs and a covered over porch and a 70's decorated house. No. I pull up to this kid's house and first of all he lives next to the train tracks, behind a field full of cows that aren't even his. You know those nice trailers I was expecting? Yeah, this trailer was blue, raised up 5 feet off the ground with one door in the front that a set of rickety (literally like the wavy bridge on the playground rickety) stairs that I was convinced I would fall off of. I get out of the car and I was expecting someone a lot uglier, but he was kinda cute... obviously I haven't been around attractive men for a while. So I had no intention of giving this guy anything but the satisfaction of my company, but little did I know... despite all of his shitty possessions and his situation I would fall really hard for him. So like every other girl in the world, I'm very jealous and don't like the presence of ex girlfriends... This fucking kid had a big shoe box filled with all the shit she sent him when he was in prison, letters upon letters with pictures upon pictures of the two of them. I was really into this kid I wanted so badly for my relationship with him to work out, so I broke out the big guns and let him in on the goods. We had sex not once, not twice, but three times and he was surprisingly very good at giving head. We were watching movies... I fell asleep before the meet-cute of one of them, and as far as I know we stayed cuddled up with each other all night until the morning. I consider that really intimate and for some reason, this 7.5 was infatuated with this 3.5/4, I couldn't get enough of him I wanted to talk to him all day and all night, but obviously I restrained myself to not seem like a psycho so early. So TwoStrikesHick decided that it was time to have "the talk" right after I left and he said he had had "the best night since he's gotten out of prison" which I thought was sweet... in a weird felon way. So I was completely under this kid's spell, if he wanted me to make him 7million brownies I would. He told me that he wanted to be able to talk to other girls, and me being the normal sane girl that I am freaked the fuck out and told him the usual things "you don't give a shit about me", "all you're doing is using me for sex", etc. He urged me I was wrong, so I decided that I would come up and hang out with him one more time because I wanted to talk this out and I hate having serious discussions via text messaging. So I drove my tired ass up to his ghettoass crap house that you'd think was a meth lab. We watch some scary movie, and I fall asleep in his arms. I wake up a few times in the night and find him up playing his video game and I cuddle up to him and make him come back and lay down with me. I think he waits until I fall asleep and gets up again and plays video games. I wake up and decide that I'm gonna leave early, at like 12 and I get home around 1. I'm re-infatuated with him and we continue to text the whole night until he passes out. The next day (the day after he told me I make him happy), I text him when I wake up and don't hear anything from him almost all day... so I decide to call him.. two short rings and then voicemail. Something his brother had said pops in my head "Isn't it cool that you can set it so when certain people call you it goes straight to voicemail". All that's going through my head is WTF WTF WTF! So I decide to do something with myself and start writing a blog about all of the terrible experiences I've had with men over the past two years (yes this blog). After finishing an entire tub of guacamole by myself I decided it was time to do the crazy girl thing and call him non stop for the next hour and a half (don't judge, you know you've done this before). Eventually I gave up and cried myself to sleep, this was a very dramatic night for me (later that week I got my period). I called him a few times over the next couple of days but on Friday I didn't call him at all. I texted him and told him that I wanted to talk and he responded! and we were talking for a good 2 hours about what he was doing and he said he got arrested again... so he said he'd call me when he was ready to talk things out. Since then I've been sitting around my apartment waiting for his call or text and every text or call I get my heart dies a little each time when I see that it's not him. This weeks lesson? How to be a psycho girl. (check!)

A little side note, I was bored on Saturday night so I decided to look up TwoStrikesHick's arrest record (which you can do by simply going to google entering their name and city). I found out that he's been arrested 5 or 6 times and it's not just for gun charges like he said. My little TwoStrikesHick was arrested a few times with possession of Xanax... without a prescription. I have here TwoStrikesHick's most recent mugshot from before he went to jail last year.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

The Beginning and Oompa Loompa

I first started dating men during my freshman year of college. I didn't have many friends and my roommate was infatuated with her boyfriend from home, so needless to say I didn't have much in the way of wing girls. As any other average college freshman, I didn't have a car which meant I didn't have transportation to of campus keggers or to the awesome clubs I always heard the upper classmen talking about. Nope I was stuck on campus with my weird mousy roommate and my few friends. I was so bummed out that I decided it would be a great idea to post a craigslist ad about myself... yeah I know genius. I don't remember the exact ad but I remember that I felt absolutely pathetic actually sitting there putting effort into something that probably a million creepers would find and wack off to. I made sure I picked classy pictures, none of the ones that you take when you're fooling around and trying to see how many different duck face deuces pictures you can take. Then I posted this blurb that was about to change the way that I would date and even look at men for a long time.
I wasn't expecting much of a response back I didn't think I was that attractive I mean I'm a solid 7.5ish depending on the day, so needless to say I wasn't very enthusiastic when I opened my email the next day and saw that I had about 25ish emails. This was in like a 5 hour time span that I had received emails from any and every kind of man that you could imagine. I set specific parameters for the guys that I would actually talk to... any that responded that were outside of those parameters like a 54 year old man that was hung like a horse I have to say and various other men in their 20's and 30's that sent me pictures of them grasping their junk that looked like it was desperate to be let go by their owner's chubby fingers. I have to say that looking back this doesn't surprise me at all but at the time it sure did throw my 18 year old naive self for a loop. After sorting through the seemingly endless emails, because there always seemed to be two more if I deleted one, I found three potential guys that I'd like to talk to. For the sake of keeping their identities semi-anonymous we'll call them; Oompa Loompa, Western Hick, and Old Black Guy (OBG to keep him gangsta).
I first came across Oompa Loompa, he sent me a very deceiving picture that made him seem tall and masculine and an average florida boy. We were talking for all of one night and I was complaining about the fact that my roommate would always fall asleep with her boyfriend on skype. I guess he saw this as an opportunity to ask me to stay with him... I had at this point decided that he wasn't a psycho killer, so I agreed. After I was done with my job of being campus security's bitch I had him come pick me up. This fucker rolls up to my school in an black Mercedes benz that made me want to have sex with him... until I opened the car door. I was wearing my favorite tight jeans and I had a modest shirt on, in my usually massive purse I had a pair of sensible underwear and a baggy tshirt for sleeping in... because I assumed he was attractive. I slid into his car and looked over and said "Heey" in my most sultry yet innocent voice, then my eyes adjusted to the dark. If Theodore from Alvin and the Chipmunks had fucked an Oompa Loompa and they had a baby, he would be that baby. I was mortified that I had been so evilly deceived and wanted to get out of the car as soon as possible and go curl up in my lonely dorm room with my roommate's creepy boyfriend watching her sleep, but it was too late Oompa Loompa was already speeding off to what I assumed would be Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory (as much as I would like to go these were not the circumstances I wished to go under). We rolled up to his house and walked up the stairs to his apartment, I made sure he went first so there was no booty checking out at all. As soon as he opened the door an overwhelming smell of self tanning spray and sweaty feet washed over me. After my eyes were finished watering I managed to find my way to a couch and plaster myself to one end of it, he sat on the other end of the couch even though he could've sat in the worn in easy chair that you could easily tell was his favorite spot to jack off, play video games, etc. So this guy, Oompa Loompa, starts trying to small talk with me while I'm looking everywhere in his apartment but at him, while I'm doing this I notice that he has a bunch of Coastal Carolina shit everywhere, I find his "office" area that is obviously just another jacking off station but with a computer and a bunch of miscellaneous papers, and that he had a very small living room kitchen area. He noticed I wasn't paying attention to him or anything he was saying so he shut the lights off and decided to put in a movie, I wish I remember what movie it was but sadly I don't it was one of those Brad Pitt tries to save the world kinda things. So we're watching the movie in silence and we stay on our own sides of the couch, he strikes up a conversation that eventually ends up with us both deciding that we're tired and want to go to sleep... this is where I made my crucial mistake. He asked me if I was going to sleep on the couch or in bed with him, it was one of those pleather couches that you cant really tell whether or not it'd be comfy to sleep on or not because you stick to it. I decided that I wanted to sleep in the bed. So I changed into my underwear and my baggy tshirt and I watched the fit he was having wash over his face. I got into bet and went right to sleep. I stayed maybe an inch away from the edge of the bed on my side facing outwards the whole time. In the morning Oompa Loompa tried to make a move by coming really close behind me with his morning wood and trying to cuddle. I wasn't having any of this business. I promptly got up and asked him to drive me home, which he did. I did not hug, kiss, or even look at him when I jumped out of his still slowly moving car... that's how badly I didn't want to be around him anymore. I didn't make contact with Oompa Loompa after that, until one night a few days later I received a text message from him asking me to come over. I calmly told him through  text that I wasn't interested in pursuing anything with him and did not wish to continue contact with him, to which Oompa Loompa turned into Leprechaun from the hood and told me that I shouldn't slander him or be rude to him because he took pictures of me in my underwear while I was sleeping and he would post them all over craigslist with my phone number. Whether or not he really had pictures of me in my undies, I don't know... he seemed like that kind of kid that would take them, I sure as hell didn't want to find out so I stopped contact with him immediately to avoid any provocation of the pictures being posted. From this first experience I learned to screen the guys I planned on talking to a little better because who needs more than one interaction with a psycho kid a month? Not I.

Mr. Oompa Loompa himself